May 28, 2012 Day 35 — Providence, RI (6.1 miles)

Providential Wanderings

For those of you who felt linguistically alienated by yesterday’s blog in French, my apologies, but not really. (Webmaster’s note: An English translation of yesterday’s blog has been posted by an astute reader in the “comments” section at the end of that day’s entry.) Nevertheless, let me bring you up to date with a sentence or two. Yesterday I arrived in Providence. Today, I’m still in Providence (rest day). It’s a holiday weekend after all, and pilgrims deserve rest too.

Yesterday’s entrance into the city from the south brought me face to face with painful memories of Judy’s, Nathaniel’s and my visit here in March 2011, a month before Nathaniel died. Seeing Olga’s Café, McFadden’s Irish Restaurant, The Coro Center, Hamilton Inn & Suites, and Brown University’s campus across the river stirred up much. How sick Nathaniel felt then! How scared Judy and I were! Our first impressions of Providence were clouded in pain. I have to breathe in and breathe out mindfully to mange the deep ache within. Release, Denis. Release.

Today I wake up early, eager to meet over breakfast with Dr. Katharine Phillips before she leaves for a conference out west. I have so many questions to ask, so much to learn about BDD. I know the disorder well experientially, having lived its daily ravages in Nathaniel’s life and our own. But some scientific facts are sorely lacking on my C.V.

Ninety minutes later, I feel better informed and better prepared for tomorrow’s appointment at Butler Hospital with several researchers in the OCD field. And then she hands me a surprise gift package–all the little items that only an experienced hiker would think to offer a 450-mile-worn pilgrim. It’s like getting an oil change and lube to help propel me across the finish line in Boston all freshened up.

The day’s agenda is wide open. Goodbye, Marriott Courtyard. Where do I go now? I head to the Compassionate Friends Garden near the Waterfront. The garden is a worthy tribute to all children who have died too young. The evening before, I discovered it accidentally. It’s there that Joni Block and her husband, Cliff, introduce themselves. Strangers? Not really. We share the same huge pain of loss. For them, it’s Rosie, who died at the age of ten. I had hardly introduced myself to them when Joni slipped a bracelet quickly and effortlessly onto my wrist. It says, “Forever in my heart.” Yes, he is. Yes, they all are.

Wandering up and down the city streets today is my effort to erase the blackboard of pain of 2011. I find each aimless step rewrites the city of Providence for me. Surprisingly, I’m glad to be here and that I have two days to do this impossible assignment. Big stays close to me–no choice on his part. He politely asks to model the “Walking with Nathaniel” hat letting me know that (no offense) sales will dramatically improve if he gets a bit more involved. I forget that Big has some deep processing to do, too. I willingly approve. We’ll see if his poster-child approach is more effective than mine. (Webmaster’s note: Want a hat of your own? Check out the offer by clicking on the “News” tab on the website, then clicking on “Events” on the pull down menu for more ordering info. Anny Ewing created a limited edition, and there are still some left!)

If you come to Providence, don’t stop for a cup of coffee at the Dunkin’ Donut Center. It’s not the “Motherhouse” of the town’s coffee offering, but an entertainment venue. I spend all morning downtown and eventually work my way down Angell Street that traverses the city from west to east, dropping me conveniently off at tonight’s stop: Annie Brownell House Bed and Breakfast. I’m adding today’s miles to the log, because I have talked to at least five people about BDD today–my equivalent of the IRS business deduction.

P.S. If you wander in circles, you eventually will find your way.